THE TROUBLE WITH EARTHLINGS
By Paul Stewart
Late July, 1999:
This is a rough draft of a custom rewrite for Deborah and all the other wonderful people of the Bay Street Players. Other rewrites and improvements will follow. Some of the original notes to actors have been left in.
This show was produced twice in Sacramento, California. To read more about it and see the reviews and photos visit the author’s web page
www.internow.com/psplays You may also E-mail me www.ps@internow.com Or call (916) 487-0334.[NOTE: Deborah, (one of the wonderful people in Ustis Florida) asked that I make some of the characters younger so it could be considered for a "young actors showcase." For the following draft a few lines have been changed to make these characters younger. These are not permanent changes for future productions.
Below the age of the characters and actors used in for the original productions are in brackets.
SETTING: An alien courtroom. (The play takes place all in one scene without intermission.)
CAST:
ALIENS:
PROSECUTOR - any age or gender (we used a male) [mid 40s]
DEFENDER - any age or gender (we used a female) [early 60s]
BAILIFF - any age or gender, (a mute who growls) [mid 30s]
HUMANS:
BRICKER – male, under 35 [50s, ex Viet Nam vet and hippie]
TROY - male 20s [early 30s]
FISHBIRD - male 30ish [early 40s]
WENDY - Female 20s [mid 50s, was unable to have children when young]
VERONICA - female 30ish [early 30s]
JURY/CHORUS: A half dozen or more aliens who are big fans of Earth's pop culture, so they dress up like they’re at a costume party.
COSTUME SUGGESTIONS, 70s Elvis, Harpo Marx, Fast food chain employee, Groucho Marx, The Tramp Charlie Chaplin, A generic cowboy, Football player, Statue of Liberty, A nine year old kid in futuristic baseball uniform, Character from Star Trek, Elvira, a dead president.
There are endless possibilities, use your imagination and have fun.
THE USHER - any age or gender or species
THE AUDIENCE: The play takes place in an alien courtroom in outerspace. The audience may look like Earthlings, and their may be a few in the crowd, but they’re actually people from all over the galaxy who’ve come to watch a live courtroom drama. This week’s episode of Alien Refuge Court happens to feature Earthlings on trial.
THE USHER can be in heavy alien make-up and covered with a head set and wires like a floor director for at a TV studio. Or he/she could look like a regular theater usher. Although a "courtroom drama" this show has elements of a day time talk show. No efforts need be made to make the theater look like a TV studio, but it is assumed that this show is so big and exciting the aliens are broadcasting it elsewhere.
Before the play begins The Usher is running around making sure everything is ready. (All live audience TV shows rely on someone to warm up the audience) Although the Jury will be singing, The Usher can be friendly and chat with people as they take their seats and before the Jury enters. The Usher can stay in character, answer questions, make jokes and even complain about being an overworked, underpaid off world usher.
*** Both outside the theater entrance and in the lobby, people will enter the theater seeing the Jury milling around singing a medley of various hit songs from Earth’s pop culture. This can be very casual and impromptu, they can move or dance around as they choose. The Jury isn’t trying to entertain the audience, but themselves. The Jury members are the only characters in the play who are here simply to have fun.
At some point the Usher looks at his watch and tells the Jury it’s time to take their seats in the jury box. Right before this they should be (temporarily) acting a little more serious to set the mood and singing the Beatles "Nothing’s gonna change my world" /Across the Universe.
The lights come up on the stage, the Jury never stops singing as the Usher, ushers them into their seats in the Jury box.
NOTE: Some of the songs the jury sings snippets of are copyrighted hits from Earth's pop culture, even a professional production would probably not have to get permission to use the songs because we are only sampling them.
The singing is interrupted by a few musical chords, which signal a news break. To set up the story a prerecorded tape will be played for the next few moments. We will use professional sounding voices and they will over lap like a montage.
*** The Jury now really sounds like a chorus as they softly sing and hum the melody of the show's theme song. As the news gets more serious the voices reflect an impending sense of doom.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
(start upbeat)
It's seven minutes after the hour and topping the
News again is the temperature, a record 116 degrees.
Scientists at the National Weather Center in Atlanta
are baffled by the accelerated rate of global warming.
ANOTHER VOICE
(more concerned)
Wide spread power shortages are prevalent through out the Eastern Seaboard as people exhaust their air conditioners trying to escape the intense heat. A state of emergency has been declared...
NEW VOICE
Temperatures are reported to be in excess of 150 degrees! Severe flooding has taken place as a result of the melting of the polar ice caps. We have just received word that parts of Europe are bursting into flames.
ANOTHER VOICE
...The President has just been pronounced dead. We repeat, the President has died from heat exhaustion. Underground bunkers are providing no protection.
NEW VOICE
(knowing this is the last broadcast)
Satellites show a fire storm will soon completely blanket the Earth. We can only hope that mankind will somehow survive these elements if only-
(radio static, then nothing)
The Jury’s singing gets louder for a moment.
USHER
(giving signals)
Okay cut. Lose the singing.
(Jury stops) Thank you.
(to audience)
Hi, did every body find a seat?
How is everyone today?...I can't hear you!...
(audience response)
Welcome to the Third Moon of Airnotopia and the latest installment of Alien Refugee Court... Have we got a surprise species for you this week...Earthlings!
Bailiff, bring 'em in. Music!..
(signals Jury)
(to audience)
Oh, they're so funny looking...
The five HUMANOID REFUGEES enter from back stage. They are
all in a daze, having just had their atoms scrambled and put back to
together in a strange land a thousand light years away. Disoriented,
they do as they are told without thinking. The Bailiff escorts the
Earthlings into the courtroom. The Bailiff can be a sort of Darth
Vader like henchmen, he never speaks, but often growls. He carries a
long high tech staff that looks dangerous. And he has a belt with a
machete on it. He wears an oxygen mask over his mouth the whole
time. [Hey, Earthlings line up like your hypnotized. Moving around
distracts monologues. Pretend like you're actually in a line waiting.]
USHER
(to Earthlings)
Tell us a little bit about yourselves.
( ** JURY (over Usher, softly)
Getting to know you. Getting to
learn all about you...)
The Bailiff growls and motions with his spear for the first human to obey. The Usher,
sounding like a game show host, signals the first human to the front and center.
Which is FRANK FISHBIRD. He wears glasses, but has a hard time focusing. He
speaks directly to the audience.
FISHBIRD
Hello, I'm Frank Fishbird, I'm a college professor by trade, I got my PhD at age 24. I enjoy reading poetry, the ballet and collecting rare stamps...And suddenly my memory is full of holes. All I can recall is the Sun. The Sun was blindingly bright, it was so hot my Cocker Spaniel was dripping with sweat... Who are you people? That's the problem with amnesia, you don't remember if you've ever had it before.
Fishbird now steps back and stands with the others. Automatically another human walks over and talks to the audience. VERONICA SMITH, she is in a baggy bathrobe.
VERONICA
Boy, what a dweeb. Hi, I'm Veronica, I'm a Pisces, my favorite color is blue. I have a blue Mercedes. I like shopping, but I really hate standing in line. All I remember is it was hot outside, and I was looking in the mirror...and now here I am God knows where without my purse, checkbook or make-up bag. I feel like I'm naked!
It's now TROY STEVENSON'S turn. As he passes by Veronica, she is instantly smitten by him. She smiles at him flirtatiously, but he ignores her and shrugs his shoulders.
The instant Veronica locks eyes with Troy the Jury sings the Carpenter's "Close to you." Which becomes Troy's little theme song.
(Oh, so softly like Muzak)
*** JURY
"Why do birds suddenly appear,
every time you are near.")
Troy nods, acknowledging the Jury for picking the perfect song to describe his life.
TROY
Howdy, Troy "Big Stick" Stevenson here. I seem to recollect my air conditioner exploding... Anyway, I play first base for Kansas City, I play ball just for fun, I make the real money on product endorsements. I model jeans
that accentuate my athletic buttocks. You might not have seen me play, but I'm sure you've seen my backside on a billboard.
(*** JURY
Softly a couple bars of
the melody which comes before
"close to you." Ah, ah, ah, ah...
stop before you sing "close to you.")
A member off the Jury who is also smitten by him stands up and waves a paper and pencil for Troy's autograph. Troy steps toward him and holds out his hand asking for money, outraged the Jury member declines.
Wendy, who wears nerdy glasses, moves to the center and looks at Troy's back side.
WENDY
Doesn't look the least bit familiar to me. I do vaguely remember tremendous heat. People were screaming, the sidewalk seemed to be melting. Then...Well, my name's Wendy McDonald. I'm a secretary, no hobbies or anything. My family history goes all the way back to the wallflower. But the line stops with me, the doctors told me I could never have children. Of course, maybe someday I could find a husband. That would give me something to do.
It is now WILLIAM BRICKER'S turn. He is dressed somewhere between a homeless man and a modern day retro-hippie. Wendy accidentally bumps into him as they pass. She sheepishly smiles at him as he passes her. He also takes notice of her, but is awkward about it.
BRICKER
(looking around)
Wow, man. This is a trip, wild. My name's William Bricker and I'm an alcoholic
(**The jury says "Hi, William!" like in an AA meeting. He nods to them.)
...Shopping? Collecting stamps, swinging a big stick? Everyone's looking for a life. I'm looking for a home! Lately I've been living in a configuration of cardboard boxes, you understand. I used to have a job, I made wooden toys and sold them in the parking lot at Grateful Dead shows.
***JURY
(Grateful dead song)
I will get by, I will survive…
BRICKER
I didn’t say I liked their music! When Jerry died, my friends all split up and I crawled inside a bottle. Some folks look at us in our tie-dyed shirts and say we’re looking for the 1960s, 'cept I don't care for the music of that particular era...What I collect is garbage, my hobby is trying find FOOD! Why are we telling all this to you? WHERE IN THE BEJESUS ARE WE!?
Bricker moves to the back and the Jury begins to sing and chant imitating the humans adlibs.
(*** JURY (regular singing, full strength)
Where in the Bejesus are we...
where are we, who are you.
(harmonizing transition with theme song)
Sheriff John Stone, I want to go home,
etc...Usher interrupts..)
All five humans are now back against the wall and they begin to talk among themselves wondering where they are. Ad-libs "Why can't I remember anything?"
They shake their heads and look upon the Jury members as total nuts, except for Bricker who instantly loves and understands them even if he doesn’t always like the songs.
USHER
All come to order... All come to order! Every
body shhhh!.
(humans stop talking)
(to Jury)
Would you stop singing for one minute!
(singing stops cold)
Thank you. The Fifth District of Aironotopia Third Moon Refugee Location Center is now in session. First, let me introduce today's Jury. All the way from the singing planet of Kodala! The winner of this week's alien lottery.
(*** The Jury members stand up,
bow and clap - they are
delighted with themselves.)
USHER
Now, let's welcome for the defense counsel, in charge of apocalyptic placement, Lashy Zipnit!..Big hand for Lashy.
Enter the DEFENDER. [For the second Sacramento production we used a female. It works better having a male and female oppose each other, although the role isn’t gender or even species specific.]
(***Some Jury members are humming theme song. They
sing out her name several times and claps.
USHER
And say hello to our special environmental
prosecutor Remny Laznom!
Enter the PROSECUTOR. He snarls at the Jury.
(For the two Sacramento productions the two opposing attorney wore heavy colored make-up, with realistic buttheaded rubber foreheads. As they are both mutants somewhat. But elaborate make-up is not crucial, simply solid blue, yellow or green skin and lots of attitude will work.
Also, it is important that both attorneys have some from of breath mask attached to a tube, hidden under their suits. Similar to emergency oxygen on an airplane. Every couple minutes they pull it out and take a few deep breaths, then slip it back it. They often do this as unconsciously as one might smoke a cigarette.)
***Like the Defender the Jury is happy to see the Prosecutor until they realize he's mean. They give him a "well excuse me" look,
then sit down. End of theme song.
The Defender mingles with the humans. Ad lib greetings and several "How'd we get here's and "where are we's.
** JURY (soft)
I want to go home. Won't
you let me alone, this is the worst
trip, I've ever been on."
**Note for Jury: Unless it says
you will be cut off finish the part
of song that is typed here as if that's
all you wanted to say.
The Prosecutor begins to pace about. He waves his hand and the Bailiff points his spear at the Jury and snarls, warning the Jury not to get carried away.
PROSECUTOR
Would you look at this scrappy bunch of humanoid refugees? Little noses, tiny heads.
DEFENDER
Oh, I'm so sorry we didn't have time to brief you. What this is, is sort of an evacuation center our home planet sponsors.
FISHBIRD
I demand to know where we are!
DEFENDER
Well, let's just say this small planet is our Ellis island. And this is only an informal hearing.
PROSECUTOR
Nonsense, you smooth skinned, flat toothed, barely hairy mammals are on trial!
FISHBIRD
Who and what you are?!
PROSECUTOR
(in Fishbird's face)
This is the Third Moon of Airnotopia, so you don't have to be a PhD to figure out we must be Airnotopians.
DEFENDER
That's only the English translation, we're speaking English for your benefit.
VERONICA
(pointing to Bailiff)
We're all going to be murdered, look at this guy's hardware.
The Bailiff snarls with pride and takes a step forward to model his hardware. Veronica can't help being a little bit impressed.
WENDY
(give Bailiff a beat)
(to Defender)
I must say you are very polite for a kidnaper!
BRICKER
(looking around smiling)
Man, this is wild. Totally out of this world
TROY
This some kind of joke, right? Like there's a hidden camera?
PROSECUTOR
(gets in Troy's face)
A joke? You don't remember the sky on fire? Flesh melting off of people's faces?
(*** Jury
A gentle bit of doom's day
part of theme song,
ends when Fishbird speaks.)
All five of them begin to think. They have vague recollections of an apocalypse, so they don't struggle to believe they're refugees somewhere.
FISHBIRD
Of course. There was something on the TV about atmospheric shifts, parts of Europe bursting into flames...
DEFENDER
(shuffling papers in his file)
We have been so busy lately. Processing people. What with meteorites wiping out whole star systems. Asteroid pirates and nuclear holocausts every time I turn around. Oh, don't get me started.
(***The Jury makes noises of bombs
and explosions, hushed screams,
air-raid sounds.)
The Bailiff growls for them to keep quiet.
FISHBIRD
This is a bad dream. How did you ever accomplish the task of bringing us here?
(***Jury does Twilight Zone for
a beat. "do-do, do-do.")
DEFENDER
Well, it's all a matter of anti-matter. We picked you up by hypersonic beam. You arrived here as teleported particles of light. You'll all find gaps in your memory. For your comfort, we try to erase the worst parts when we put you back together...What we do is electronically run your chromosomes through a biochemical wash.
BRICKER
(sincerely thankful)
Why, thank you.
DEFENDER
(puts arm around Bricker)
Sure. We had to run you through twice.
PROSECUTOR
(flicks his fingers)
Zap, zap, zap. You're easy to work on, you're such a primitive species. They'll send anybody to Third Moon Rescue these days. We have a zoo back on our planet. We'd put you in our zoo, but you'd frighten the children!
(he laughs to himself)
Such funny little faces.
DEFENDER
(to audience)
I really don't think he's in a position to criticize anyone else's appearance.
(***The Jury finds this comment
amusing and they snicker out loud,
the Prosecutor snarls.)
TROY
Exactly what happened to the Earth? Can we ever go back?
VERONICA
I had a date on Friday, that was...
PROSECUTOR
(waiving a file)
NO! You are charged with the intentional reckless destruction of a planet. A planet belonging
within Airnotopian jurisdiction...
How do you plead?
DEFENDER
Plead guilty, I'll see if I can make a deal.
WENDY
What, kind of deal? To put us in a zoo?
BRICKER
Hey, how bad could that be? A roof, three squares a day.
TROY
I want my lawyer!
DEFENDER
I am your lawyer.
TROY
We're screwed.
(***While the Prosecutor speaks to the
audience, the Jury lightly hums
"God bless America." (soft)
Stop singing and act shocked
when you get to "factories
spewing filth.")
PROSECUTOR
(pacing, speaking to audience)
Ladies and gentleman I've seen pictures and videos thousands of years old. The Earth was such a lovely place before they evolved. Lush valleys, mountains, rivers, rainbows...straight out of a post card. Then, no sooner do they invent the wheel than they got factories spewing filth into the air and water. In the U.S. everybody has to have a car. They even let teenagers drive.
(the Jury gasps)
Do you know what else they do? They toss bombs out of airplanes and say "boy, I hope this lands in the most populated place so bits of steel will shatter people's skulls and slaughter them."
(pause)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the trouble with Earthlings!
(***Jury, snippet of theme song.)
FISHBIRD
How is it you know so much about us? Just look at them.
*** (points to Jury hamming it up)
PROSECUTOR
(sneers at Fishbird)
We’ve been watching you.
DEFENDER
Oh, as you might have guessed we're quite advanced. We have an extensive hyper-range satellite network, we eves drop on radio and televisions signals from a huge catalog of planets. To tell you the truth we're broadcast pirates.
TROY
Wow, I had a dish with 500 channels. How many channels you got?
DEFENDER
25 billon.
PROSECUTOR
And sometimes there’s still nothing good on!
PROSECUTOR
You slow monkeys had finally learned to surf the web globally. Our web covers entire galaxies at a single click.
DEFENDER
But the Jury comes from a different star system.
PROSECUTOR
So we decided to allow them to preview various video libraries of your culture,
(pause)
and they went overboard!
DEFENDER
We've been observing you for generations. Hope you don't mind. Even before you had broadcast technology, our long range telescopes would occasionally observe your
culture.
PROSECUTOR
Our ancestors said look at the monkeys, they're starting to make tools. Then opps, look, they're mixing chemicals...leaving junk on their only moon. Your globe is now ashes, a barren hunk of black real estate!
(pause)
HOW DO YOU PLEAD!?
FISHBIRD
If Earth is really gone, why are we being charged?
Fishbird backs up into Bailiff, he snarls. Fish jumps back in his seat.
TROY
Nuclear war, missiles? I knew the Russians still had a few things left up their sleeves.
DEFENDER
No. Nuclear war we can clean up. Your planet will never be habitable again.
VERONICA
(stands, remembering)
It was the Sun. The Sun got big, it got too close. Like a supernova. It fried the Earth, didn't it? The Earth is toast.
(she sits down)
FISHBIRD
That's it, the Sun became a red giant. Causing gasses to be released...internal combustion, intense radiation…Ouch. We, mankind was not responsible.
WENDY
Yeah, it was a natural disaster, now let us go.
TROY
Go? Ah, where we gonna go?
VERONICA
Well, I've got to get some new clothes.
*** (spots a Jury member's blouse)
Where did you buy that blouse?
BRICKER
Say, man, how about the zoo? Who votes for the zoo?
(he raises his hand)
(***The Jury sings, "the zoo, the zoo, who
wants to go to the zoo.")
Prosecutor snarls and they stop. (That's it, sing "zoo" at least three times before Prosecutor cuts in.)
PROSECUTOR
WRONG! It was human technology that made toast out of a perfectly good planet! You have violated every major global responsibility law.
DEFENDER
I object, the Earthlings were not aware of any interplanetary regulation!...We had been waiting for you to get a little more civilized before we formally contacted you. I hope you don't mind.
VERONICA
Why are we being charged? We didn't know about all this, about you.
DEFENDER
They weren't aware of us, they...
PROSECUTOR
(getting in Veronica's face)
An infinite number of stars out there and you thought you were the only ones capable of building shopping malls!?
The Bailiff goes to an opening along the back wall, he steps inside the back room and pulls out a women's dress. He holds the dress up and growls to Veronica. He walks away and Veronica slips to the back room to get dressed. A few moments later she comes out with a nice dress on and is happy about it. The Bailiff growls approval.
FISHBIRD
Tell us what happened?!
PROSECUTOR
Stratospheric ozone depletion and carbon dioxide elevation, you monkeys.
TROY
What?
FISHBIRD
I see, you mean global warming accelerated by the destruction of the rain forests and the various bacteria in the oceans that absorb carbon dioxide, combined with the Sun...
PROSECUTOR
The Sun? Your Sun flares up every ten thousand years! That was Mother Nature. The universe has an ecosystem too. A natural balance. Things would have been fine if you hadn't kept inventing ways to tear up your only protection.
FISHBIRD
Fascinating scenario.
DEFENDER
I protest! How were they supposed to know?
PROSECUTOR
(holding up news clipping)
Exhibit A, March 12, 1974, The New York Times "Scientists fear ozone depletion."
WENDY
You mean that little hole over Antarctica?
PROSECUTOR
(in her face)
LITTLE HOLE!? If I hammered a nail into your skull, it would only leave a little hole!
(she reacts to his bad breath,
plugs nose looks at audience)
BRICKER
Hey, dude, what ya blaming me for? Do I look like I used hair spray.
(Prosecutor takes hit from his air supply.)
FISHBIRD
I truly doubt any of us spent our weekends in the Amazon chainsawing the rain forest.
BRICKER
Yeah man, where is everyone else?
PROSECUTOR
(in Bricker's face)
Earth is gone. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?!
BRICKER
(not afraid to stand up to him)
Listen, geek, I was already alone and homeless, so quit thinking you have to depress me!
(while walking away)
Your breath is punishment enough!
*** (The Jury loves this.)
The Prosecutor gets enraged by this. He makes a lunge like he is going to strangle Bricker, but the Defender steps in the way and calms him down. Bricker exits wondering to the back room where Veronica just was.
WENDY
How can I be found guilty? I've never even had a life?
FISHBIRD
I'm a leading environmental activist. Dig out my news clippings. This must be a mistake!
DEFENDER
(to Prosecutor)
Tell them about the mistake.
PROSECUTOR
You're all a bunch of monkeys.
TROY
Where's Johnny Cockren, Ken Star? [or who's ever current that day] my agent!
DEFENDER
(sighs)
Airnotopia is in charge of universal rescue operations. We are quite a rich planet. And huge, both in terms of size and population. There are over 13 trillion of us. We’re surrounded by dozens and dozens of moons like the kind we're on now. There's no limit to our teleportation resources regarding organic matter.
PROSECUTOR
You baboons are so simple celled we can zap you and bounce your chromosomes around the cosmos with our eyes closed.
DEFENDER
When the end looked near for you we set up relocation camps out here. Enough to house every man, women and child on the face of your Earth.
WENDY
Than what?
TROY
Hey, maybe we could set up a baseball league, play other camps?
Bricker walks out of the back room. He’s changed his clothes and his hair has quickly been combed. He suddenly looks somewhat distinguished. His new polyester clothes are a bit 70s disco looking but he wears them well.
BRICKER
(happy)
Say now, are you talking hot and cold running water?
***Bricker models for the Jury, they nod and go "hmmm" as if he is a G.Q. model.
TROY
Ah, buddy, you’ve still got two decades to go before your clothes catch up.
VERONICA
(disgusted)
You want to send us to live in camps? What would we use for money?
DEFENDER
The plan was to comb through the internment camps, interview those authorities most responsible, then bring them to trial.
FISHBIRD
(clutching the Defender)
Then why us?!
DEFENDER
Everyone else is dead.
PROSECUTOR
(shaking head)
Ashes. Dry black ashes.
(**Jury sings ever so lightly
(without overlapping)
"Ashes, ashes, all fall down.")
TROY
What did you say?
PROSECUTOR
D-e-a-d. No more baseball.
Troy tries to grab the Prosecutor. The Prosecutor steps out of the way and the Bailiff waves his stick and snarls, stopping Troy.
TROY
Wait, you said there was a plan!
PROSECUTOR
"Was" is right. Our government has unlimited power, but rather limited enthusiasm. What with off-world wars and alien famine up ten percent. Some incompetent workers and understaffed departments.
DEFENDER
It was a simple error, actually.
You see, interplanetary law forbids us to tamper with primitive cultures, unless the planet is already on fire...We had to wait until the last minute to scoop you up.
PROSECUTOR
The silly fools up here meant to lock in on five billion humans for transgalactic shipment. The computer misread it.
(he giggles)
Instead of five billion, we only zapped up five of you.
The Prosecutor laughs.
(***The Jury finds this most amusing and sings, "only five, only five are alive.
No one else, no one else,
did survive.")
They sing while the humans are stunned.
FISHBIRD
(to Defender)
He’s not kidding?
DEFENDER
(sincere)
No, I’m sorry. My condolences. But it was an honest mistake. I’m sure you’re all had a fax that didn’t go through?…An E-mail that bounced?
BRICKER
What's an E-mail?
FISHBIRD
What are you saying?!
PROSECUTOR
I'm saying everyone else is dead.
FISHBIRD
You mean...extinct?
PROSECUTOR
(remorseful)
Any rumors about Elvis still being alive are definitely over.
DEFENDER
Look at the bright side.
FISHBIRD
What?
DEFENDER
You'll never have to hear Rush Limbaugh again.
(*** A single Jury member
says loud enough to be heard:
"Thank God." The rest of them
nod. One of them can be upset.)
VERONICA
You mean Clinton is gone?
DEFENDER
Yes, her husband died too.
The five have ad-lib reactions, talking among themselves. "We never have to look at a picture of Monica Lewinsky’s face ever again."
PROSECUTOR
SILENCE!
(looks at his pocket watch)
We don't have this room all day. We are going to try you regardless. You are the last vestiges of the ignorant human race. No matter how pathetic a representation you may be, you’ll have to do. Our centuries of research on Earthling behavior prove each one of you has some quantity of evil in your soul.
DEFENDER
Surely you all must have done something bad.
PROSECUTOR
For the last time. HOW DO YOU PLEAD!?
Bailiff growls and waves his staff trying to get them to answer. All the humans except Troy plead "not guilty."
TROY
I'm guilty!
VERONICA
Are you nuts?
TROY
Heck, I'm not in Kansas anymore. I knew I sold my soul forever to play sports for a short time. I've forged my smog certificates, gambled, used steroids. I mixed aluminum cans with the rest of the garbage...I'm rotten. For my autograph, I even charged little kids, five bucks! You folks don't look so tough. Give me your best shot.
WENDY
Are we on trial for our lives?
PROSECUTOR
Of course not. This is just for our records.
(evil grin)
We were planning to execute you all no matter what.
The Bailiff lets out a pleasurable growl and pulls his machete part of the way out of its sheath to show it off.
DEFENDER
He's kidding, I think.
(talking to the audience)
It's just that we all need a destination, somewhere to go, somewhere to end up. It's the natural order of the universe.
(speculating like a daytime talk)
What does that really tell us about ourselves as a people? How should we treat refugees?
Prosecutor rolls his eyes and sighs at the sight of the Defender pretending to be Sally Jesse Raphael. (Or vintage Phil Donahue.)
PROSECUTOR
(to Troy)
You've all done bad things. Think we haven't done our homework on you? Game seven of the American League playoffs. Final inning, two outs.
TROY
Hey!
(***Jury starts to lightly sing
"take me out to the ball game."
Sing soft enough to let the
following dialogue be heard clearly)
Bailiff takes one step forward to be ready for a scuffle.
PROSECUTOR
It's six to six, you come barreling into home plate
TROY
I WAS SAFE!
PROSECUTOR
So you assaulted the umpire!
TROY
He was blind!
PROSECUTOR
I was a thousand light years away, and I could tell you were out by a mile!
(Bailiff starts toward Troy)
(gesturing like an umpire)
YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!
TROY
(to Prosecutor)
I'll snap your pencil neck like a twig! Rip off your arm and beat you with it!
The Bailiff approaches Troy and holds his spear sideways to block him.
PROSECUTOR
I'll carve your heart out and eat it!
TROY
(backing off)
I hope you choke on it!
(***Jury, where ever you are in
the song stop with"choke on it!"
Then sing a little louder the end:
"...At the old ball game.")
The Defender ushers the Bailiff away, and takes Wendy by the arm and puts her on the stand. She reads from a file and begins to cross examine her.
DEFENDER
(calm as can be)
Let's move along shall we?
(seating Troy)
Sit your million dollar butt right there.
(gets Wendy)
Wendy McDonald...Born in Bakersfield California. Never moved out of parent’s home. What else..?
(She pauses and tries to find
more information on her.)
WENDY
That's all there is. If you're playing "This is your life,"
(pause)
you picked the wrong person!
DEFENDER
You're a secretary, but we have no record of you ever working.
PROSECUTOR
Of course not, she was a state worker.
(**Jury snickers.)
DEFENDER
(nods)
That explains it.
WENDY
I object! I Object, I object!
(looking for a judge)
Ah, where's the judge?
(**A Jury member says: "Here come the judge, here come the judge.")
DEFENDER
We're all judges.
(points to audience)
They're judges, use your heart, you are your own judge.
PROSECUTOR
Now, how do you plead?
WENDY
(takes off glasses)
Do you know that you have a butt for a head?
(***the Jury laughs big.)
FISHBIRD
Pardon me, I couldn't help noticing that you're extremely outgoing for a wallflower.
WENDY
(holding glasses)
I've changed somehow. I can see perfectly without these.
The Professor removes his glasses and realizes that's why his vision was affected. He is delighted.
BRICKER
(stands)
As a matter of fact I like you better without 'em.
(nods approval)
Yeah.
(Wendy smiles at Bricker)
TROY
Hey, don't let them intimidate you.
VERONICA
Listen. If a women wants to get ahead in the world, any world, she's got to be counted. Sometimes you've got to stand up and say, "something has to be done about me!"
(*** The Jury agrees one of them calls out:
"You tell 'em!")
WENDY
Okay, I'm guilty! I was so shy I hardly left the house. I suppose I should have worried about fluorocarbons, but I was miserable! Now I want to make a fresh start.
(looks to Defender)
Can't you give me a job at home on your planet?
PROSECUTOR
And ruin our careers by hiring an alien!
WENDY
Well... I am willing to date outside my species...
(looks at Prosecutor)
As long as he doesn't look anything like you.
DEFENDER
You wouldn't be able to breath our air down there, it would be toxic to you. And interbreeding is impossible.
WENDY
Who said anything about breeding? I was born with a female reproductive problem.
PROSECUTOR
(gestures her to step down)
You admit guilt. Let's move along. Professor-
WENDY
Hold it!
PROSECUTOR
(reading file)
Frank Fishbird, PhD-
WENDY
Give me a chance. What about me!?
Wendy stands up on her chair, and gets everyone's attention.
WENDY
Listen, listen, listen...I'm here, I'm a woman who wants a life. SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE ABOUT ME!
(***The Jury loves this, claps,
whistles and roots her on.)
Wendy is delighted with herself. She takes off her lumpy sweater and throws it to the ground. Without her glasses and sweater she looks much better.
(*** JURY MEMBER(spoken)
Let her live!
(*** The Jury starts to sway, hold
hands and sing full strength:
"All she is saying, is give me a chance.
All she is saying, is give me a chance.")
Fishbird paces around and talks with more confidence, he has less jerky motions now that he can focus.
FISHBIRD
(right after second "chance")
For the first time since age five, I no longer need the aid of my glasses. No wonder I couldn't focus. I say, what have you done to us?
DEFENDER
As you know, your cells were dismantled and catapulted here. During genetic transport our equipment automatically filters out minor defects.
BRICKER
Far out! That's why I feel so great, I've completely lost my desire to drink.
VERONICA
I just remembered cigarettes. I was a chain smoker.
PROSECUTOR
No more. And as far as all that plastic surgery you had done... All the plastic has been replaced with living tissue.
VERONICA
None of your business!
DEFENDER
We can't teleport inorganic material. Your clothes and such things we had to duplicated here.
BRICKER
(glancing at his crotch)
Hey, what about...
PROSECUTOR
After we fixed your liver we couldn't work miracles!
WENDY
What did you do to make me so strong willed?
DEFENDER
Nothing, you just needed a change of scenery.
(reading file)
I see, you did have a minor defect with your female reproductive system. But now you’ll find your ovaries to be in working order.
WENDY
But the doctors told me – how can you do that?
PROSECTOR
Child’s play. Especially for creatures like you who’ve barely began to walk upright.
You now take for granted word processors with auto spell checkers. But all Shakespeare had was a feather pen, if he saw your lap top computers he’d pee in his pants.
DEFENDER
(to Wendy)
You see, in a fraction of a second our beams scanned you, automatically digitized your DNA and rewrote any defective programs.
WENDY
You downloaded me? But how did you get any of us to rematerialize?
PROSECTOR
(sighs)
By pushing "enter." Now let’s move on!
The Defender escorts Wendy off the stand.
WENDY
I could really have a baby?
(Defender nods)
Thank you.
DEFENDER
Think nothing of it. And you'll all find you now have perfect teeth.
TROY
My teeth were already perfect. I haven't changed. I still wanna bust heads. Buttface head!
(**Jury: Med volume:
"You say you want a revolution we-ll,
you know.")
Bailiff puts Fishbird gets on the stand.
FISHBIRD
What a bunch of copy cats.
DEFENDER
It's just that the music and television that our home world produces is quite droll. Some of us watch American television every day. I myself, have a weakness for daytime talk shows.
PROSECUTOR
(points to Jury)
They're bastardizing your best lyrics.
(to Bricker)
How could anybody not like the music from your 1960s!
Bricker looks him square in the face and shakes his head
defiantly.
BRICKER
Well, I don't.
PROSECUTOR
Not even Motown?!
BRICKER
Nope!
(***The Jury breaks into "My baby love,
my baby love. Oh, oh, my baby love-"
Full strength. Let it trail off to
just Jury Foreman singing last.)
PROSECUTOR
Enough already!
(mad)
I don't want to hear another word. Understand.
(they nod, very agreeable)
The Prosecutor feels satisfied and turns to walk back to Fishbird. The second his back his turned, the Harpo member of the Jury blows his horn.
(**"honk, honk")
The Prosecutor is about to get real mad but he decides it's not worth it. He snarls, shakes his head and goes back to Fishbird. But he gives Jury a double take.
PROSECUTOR
Research Professor of Natural Studies. Never been married. Vasectomy.
(chuckles)
Not any more.
DEFENDER
He's a frequent lecturer on pollution control, he's had papers published.
FISHBIRD
Listen colon top, I'll have you know I've been arrested half a dozen times at anti-nuclear rallies.
PROSECUTOR
(in his face)
I like nuclear power. It sent you here!
You think you can dismantle, let alone teleport DNA with just hydroelectric power? You bimbos on developing planets just don’t know how to use nukes safely.
FISHBIRD
But how?
PROSECUTOR
Oh, there are any number of ways to neutralize contamination and eliminate radiation. You see, during fusion you bombard the neutrons with - ah, never mind. Even you monkeys were less than ten years away from splitting atoms cleanly.
FISHBIRD
(awestruck)
You don't say?
DEFENDER
Even our vacuum cleaners are nuclear. All advanced civilizations are atomic. Oh, it's wonderful.
FISHBIRD
Terrific. I never got married because I was too busy protesting. Not only has my home been wiped away...my passion is gone.
VERONICA
Don't say that!
( Fishbird smiles at Veronica, Bailiff growls.)
PROSECUTOR
Now, how do you plead?
FISHBIRD
Ignorant. Innocent! I implore you to judge us by our own ethical standards. I request that you find us a suitable moon and leave us alone. With our punched-up, jump-started bodies I'm sure we would breed like rabbits. I guarantee you our future generations will learn not to abuse the ecology.
BRICKER
Sure, man, why not just start again?
TROY
Let's go for it, dude. New rules!
Troy and Bricker cross the stage and shake hands/high five, perhaps they switch seats.
PROSECUTOR
(in Fishbird's face)
It took us generations, eons to learn environmental protocol! One slip up, where a single being bends the rules, and it's the groundwork of an apocalypse! Who do you think you are?
FISHBIRD
First of all, your breath smells like car exhaust!...Second, I have devoted all my years to improving my society. I've never broken a law in my life!
PROSECUTOR
Oh, never been arrested half a dozen times?
FISHBIRD
(sarcastic)
How was I supposed to know
Rancho Seco* was wonderful?
[* a local nuke power plant]
PROSECUTOR
(reads from file)
Or on December 15th got a ticket for parking in the handicap zone of a 7-ll!
(**Slight gasps from the Jury.)
FISHBIRD
Well, it was raining, the paint was worn off. The judge threw it out!
PROSECUTOR
THE JUDGE!? You are the judge! You had been to that very market a million times. Enough to know that the one open spot was reserved. Reserved, declared sacred by your ethical standards!
(** The Jury members shake
their heads in disgust.)
FISHBIRD
(bows his head)
I was careless, I'm sorry.
PROSECUTOR
Tell that to the guy in the wheel chair who got soaking wet, just trying to use the pay phone!
(***The Jury signals "thumbs down."
A few members of the Jury say
"kill him." "He's a bum."
Spoken full strength.)
The Bailiff snarls and shakes his head too.
FISHBIRD
I'm the judge, then? When I was a kid once I threw paper out of a moving car.
PROSECUTOR
On Airnotopia you can have your head chopped off for littering...You've probably driven without a seat belt.
FISHBIRD
Once.
PROSECUTOR
And had unprotected casual sex.
FISHBIRD
Once, but it was OK because-
PROSECUTOR
(in his face)
OK!? A billion people on our planet died of a preventable virus before we realized it's never "OK!"
(mimicking him)
Only once. Primitive lust and passion is for apes!
Troy stands up and mimics an ape, he sways about and scratches himself. The Prosecutor snarls.
DEFENDER
He's just jealous because he missed our sexual revolution.
(beaming)
I, however, am a little older.
(*** After the following first sentence
the Jury ever so lightly
hums theme song.)
PROSECUTOR
To succeed you can't break a single rule! No being can do what he thinks is right, if it causes a crack in the system. A crack in the universal balance of life. All of life. Even little Planet Earth was part of the system, part of us too!
(**Jury, soft revelation hum.)
DEFENDER
You must understand that we're all from the same germ that caused the big bang.
(giggles)
Why once we even used to look like you.
VERONICA
Don’t give me this crap about just watching our TV shows. You speak fluent English because we were your favorite planet, weren't we?
FISHBIRD
Your world is the pits isn't it? You don't have oceans, forests, blue skis...Do you?
(**Jury stops and looks at lawyers who ignore the question.)
(pause)
Do you!?
TROY
Notice how he doesn't have to read from a file when he talks about me? Ha, Airnotopia is in love with our pop culture.
(***Jury sings Troy's song
"Just like me, they long to
be close to you. Ah, ah, ah...")
FISHBIRD
(On "you" over "ah, ah, ah")
Cultural bilingualism.
Prosecutor ignores them, Bailiff ushers Fishbird away and then grabs Bricker's arm. Bricker talks to Wendy as the Bailiff forces him onto the stand.
BRICKER
You've got a lot of savvy, Miss. When they haul us off to the zoo, maybe we could have adjoining cages.
WENDY
Perhaps the zoo wouldn't be that bad, if I had a husband.
(***The Jury sings again, "The zoo,
the zoo, who wants to go to the zoo.
No one can do the zoo, better
than me and you."
Veronica will cut you off.)
Veronica stands up, she is not happy with Wendy.
VERONICA
Don't say that!
(to Jury)
Shut up!
(they stop singing)
Listen girlfriend, rule number one! On our new world, women are not going to settle for less just to be with a man. We are going to be equal from the word go! Even if we're locked up, we will not be slaves!
(**The Jury claps. One yells "right on!"
"you tell 'em girlfriend! Yes!" Full strength.)
FISHBIRD
Besides mammals don't bread well in captivity.
TROY
Say, maybe a coed baseball league might work in the zoo. Play other life forms.
The Defender reads file and prepares to cross examine Bricker. She gestures Veronica to sit and escorts Bricker to the stand.
DEFENDER
Come now. Very good. Okay, William Bricker. No record of your birth. Very little information on you since you dropped out of your last de-tox center.
BRICKER
I can't give the address of where I lived, but I could give you the street.
DEFENDER
You were once a very talented carpenter.
PROSECUTOR
He's a drunk. He wants us to think he's an ex new-wave flower child who lost his way.
BRICKER
What in the bejesus do you mutants want?
PROSECUTOR
His real name isn't Bricker. He was in hiding. I crossed checked his fingerprints with old Earthling records.
(looking through papers)
He’s…
(***A member of the Jury throws open
her arms and yells "It's Elvis!"
Full strength. A few of them follow.
The rest of them are about to sing)
The Prosecutor rushes toward the Jury, ready to fight.
PROSECUTOR
Elvis was the king of their world! You clowns sing one note, one note of his music and I'll have you hanged.!
(back to Bricker, he reads file)
The only thing this bum had in common with Elvis is that they were both in the army.
(Bricker reacts)
He went to officer's training school. His name's Daniel Forge. Oh, he was also a sharp shooter, combat experience in the Gulf War.
(gets in his face)
Understand you killed three men with only your bare hands.
BRICKER
(stands toe to toe with him)
And that was just in boot camp. Of course, I wouldn't even have needed my hands if I had breath like yours!
PROSECUTOR
You’re a trained executioner. Do you know what humans do during peace time? They have contests for sharp shooting. He had a wall of awards and ribbons. They shoot at cardboard humans, aiming right between the eyes, wishing it was living flesh.
(leans over talks softly to Bricker)
Did it make you feel like a man?
BRICKER
At first. Can you read?
(taps his file)
I went AWOL. I went into hiding because I
felt like my government was brain washing me, making me an on-call killer.
OK, you win. Execute me.
PROSECTOR
You had villages blown to pieces. You killed children, Earth children!
BRICKER
I’m William Bricker Junior. My father was a Major in Viet Nam.
PROSECUTOR
(double checking file)
Oh, excuse me. That’s it. You didn’t go into hiding out of guilt, but shame. In 1993 new evidence surfaced about forged documents and your father’s unnecessary use of Agent Orange.
BRICKER
That was only part of it.
PROSECTOR
Executioners! And you know humans couldn't just kill other humans. They ordered defoliant sprayed all over to poison the landscape.
BRICKER
Hey, man, it was war. Soldiers do what they’re told. You can’t have a crack in the system! But I judged myself. I dropped out and went underground because I couldn't live with myself.
PROSECUTOR
He joined a commune up in Oregon.
In the 1990s?
BRICKER
It was just a farm a lot of people lived at.
PROSECUTOR
Nonsense! Retro-hippies.
(mimicking Bricker)
Look at me now, I'm in a commune. I'm a hippie 30 years too late, but the bejesus if I'll learn to like rock and roll!…I know what we’ll do, the next time they try to bring back Woodstock we’ll riot and burn the place down!
DEFENDER
He's just jealous because in the commune you had all that casual sex.
BRICKER
I used protection!
(in Prosecutor’s face)
But let me tell you, champ, I was an animal.
Bricker smirks, thinking back, then mimics an ape.
(***Jury sings soft like muzak:
"Why don't we do it in the road.")
PROSECUTOR
He thought farming and making wooden toys would redeem his soul. Did it?
BRICKER
No, eventually I became a drunk. I'm the one who is rotten. I make Troy here look like a Boy Scout. Hey, man, I realized that I was part of the disease that the world had. Go ahead and let me die too...Butt head.
PROSECUTOR
You won't live out the day.
The Bailiff snarls like he can't wait. He pulls his machete part of the way out.
(**Jury members mumble "ape has killed ape.")
DEFENDER
No, no, you folks are going to need a good carpenter to get started.
We will supply you with tools.
BRICKER
(in Prosecutor's face)
Oh, one more thing, Elvis Presley sucks!
This comment enrages Prosecutor. He lunges at Bricker but Defender tries to hold him back.
PROSECUTOR
TAKE THAT BACK!
At one point the Prosecutor has his arms around Bricker trying to strangle him, the Defender throws her arms around the Prosecutor trying to pull him off. It looks like they're all hugging.
(***The Jury breaks into:
Love me tender, love me sweet.
Take me in your arms...
(just that much)
PROSECUTOR
I said, don't sing the king's music!
Now the Prosecutor is really fuming. He dives toward the Jury, but the Bailiff keeps him from striking and calms him down.
(***The Jury sings)
(very softly)
I'm sorry, so sorry.
The Defender goes into the back room and brings back a tray with clear plastic water bottles. He passes out water with the Bailiff's help.
BRICKER
(whispers to Troy)
I guess I got him "all shook up."
TROY
I think he was a fool to rush in.
He and Troy laugh. The humans drink from bottles of clear water. The aliens drink from bottles filled with dark sludge. The Prosecutor sits briefly and tries to calm down.
Veronica is escorted onto the stand. The Bailiff growls at her seductively, she smiles at him.
DEFENDER
Veronica Smith. Divorced. No kids. Wait a minute, you have a graduate degree in geology. You're an expert on ecological studies.
FISHBIRD
Wow, if they let us live, do you suppose we could have lunch together?
DEFENDER
A prominent women's rights advocate. An officer in a major corporation. Will you look at these numbers.
(shows Prosecutor a section of
the file, he’s impressed,)
For years we’ve been trying to get our bosses to give us a 401K plan…And you’ve done lots of benefit work.
WENDY
Veronica, why'd you act like such an airhead?
VERONICA
I wanted Troy to notice me. He's a pop phenomenon, a sports hero. I had to act dumb, you think I'm stupid?
WENDY
Oh, great! I'm one of only two women left from Earth and I still don't get to choose a man!
VERONICA
That was before the Professor caught my eye. He's so sensitive, Troy's an egotistical jerk.
TROY
Hey! And I’ll bet my portfolio was twice as big as yours.
WENDY
Great, leave me with the jerk and you get to have the man you want...
BRICKER
(stands)
You know, they haven't killed me yet!
WENDY
(smiling)
Glad to hear it.
BRICKER
Could you love a man without a pension plan?
PROSECUTOR
SILENCE!
(to Veronica)
What did you do for a living?
VERONICA
(sighs)
I was a Vice President for
a big company.
DEFENDER
Which one?
VERONICA
(under her breath)
Exxon.
PROSECUTOR
What?!
VERONICA
Exxon!
(***The Jury gasps loudly, one
of them yells, "an oil company?" Another says "get a rope!")
DEFENDER
Wait, wait, wait, she was in charge of ecological surveys. Protecting the soil tests, that-
VERONICA
No. I sold out, I told lies. I'm worse than Bricker because I could still live with myself. All I cared about was money. Until today. You see, something had to be done about me.
The Defender slowly begins to act more like day time talk show host as she talks to the audience. But she is reasonable. Phil Donahue was one of her heroes.
DEFENDER
Exxon, huh? I'm really trying to be objective here.
She reaches into her coat and pulls out a cordless microphone. She waves it as she gestures, mingling with the audience. If by some chance not a single member of the audience cooperates, the daytime talk show send up will still work. The audience not responding will be incorporated into the humor. "Where do we get these audiences..."
[Let's reserve a seat and have at least one friend each night say something slightly prepared.]
DEFENDER
What does that tell us about ourselves? Did we expect Earthlings to live in caves? They deserved to have cars, and needed to burn oil. Some of it had to spill. It wasn't supposed to last forever. And you say what?
(sticks the mike in someone's face)
RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER
(examples only)
Me? Ah, give them a moon without chemicals, they'll behave.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
(a planted actor)
No, they'll industrialize, I say put 'em in your zoo.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
(standing up)
Well, when I was young we didn't have-
PROSECUTOR
Knock it off!
(to Earthlings)
Last week we had a riot in the audience. We had to bring in fire hoses…filled with boiling hot water. (mumbles)
Ever since Jerry Springer became popular here…She has pleaded guilty! NEXT!
The Defender comes back down. The Prosecutor signals Troy to the stand.
FISHBIRD
(protecting Veronica)
She couldn't help it, it's how we were raised!
TROY
(to Bricker)
You know, bud. My father was a carpenter. I can help you build us houses. Or maybe we'll just remodel the zoo.
BRICKER
Alright!
(to Jury)
Now, sing us that zoo song again!
(**Jury is about to when -)
PROSECUTOR
NO! Moving along.
(mimicking Troy)
Troy "Big Stick" Stevenson. Olympic champion. Rookie of the year. Single. Three paternity suits. Palimony settlements. Assault, indecent exposure.
TROY
(to audience)
A forehead like that and he's telling me about it.
(**Jury snickers.)
DEFENDER
He hasn't been in trouble for years. Passes all the drug tests and does charity work. His face is on a cereal box.
PROSECUTOR
I'll put his head in a cereal box.
TROY
Like to see you try.
(***The Jury goes "owww," like a
fight is about to start.)
Prosecutor is trying to contain himself. Troy hops off his stool and walks right up to the audience.
PROSECUTOR
You've used women. And used your celebrity status to promote recklessness.
TROY
I gave people what they wanted. We can't all be scientists!
DEFENDER
(to audience)
He's only putting up an act. His change was a few years ago. Now, he's quite sensitive, really.
PROSECUTOR
Shhya right!
DEFENDER
Late one night, on a three game road trip against Boston, he was alone and out of drugs. He reached into the drawer of the hotel room and found...
TROY
(embarrassed)
Shhhhhh...
DEFENDER
Gideon's Bible!
(***A couple members of the Jury
are impressed by Troy's reverence.
They hum gospel sounds, while some else sings, "he saw the light" Very softly.)
TROY
Some motels don't have cable!
(talks to audience)
Okay, I'll tell you the truth, lately, I was looking for a wife. I wanted a family. But no one wanted to marry me. They just wanted a piece of me. You watched my games, saw my athletic buttocks, but did you care about me!? Can't you see, something has to be done about me!
A few members of the audience clap for him.
(***The Jury claps, then sings:
"All he is saying, is give
him a chance. All he is saying is-")
The Bailiff holds his stick over their heads and they stop. Only after first verse.
Troy's sensitivity comes through as he pouts and is near tears. Bricker comes over and puts his arm around him, making him cheer up.
BRICKER
Ah, come on. There, there, now. What the heck, I'll marry you.
(Troy breaks away from him.)
TROY
HEY, YOU...!
VERONICA
Don't say a word! Our new society is going to be for freedom to choose life styles, free of any and all prejudice!
(***A few Jury members clap.)
TROY
You're right. But what would we do, adopt?
PROSECUTOR
Get back here and sit down before I find you in contempt!
TROY
You're all talk. You're a wuss and that Bailiff is a double wuss!
(***The Jury begins to chant
"fight, fight, fight, fight.")
The Prosecutor grabs the Bailiff's spear and waves it at Troy.
PROSECUTOR
Think you're a special specimen? I'll skin you and let my kid take your hide to school for show and tell.
TROY
You're not gonna hurt me. You left me this way...You know what this is all about? About having to change!
(pause)
But unlike them, I stopped fooling myself. I already changed. Over the last few years I've donated two million dollars toward fixing up my planet.
(Jury is impressed,
except one of them)
(to Jury)
I only work six months out of the year, in between I've built inner city youth centers, held aluminum can drives, clean a beach and clean a highway days.
DEFENDER
Why did you pretend…?
TROY
I wanted to fool you because it’s true we must all be our own judge. Charity and giving should not be for PR, it should be anonymous from the heart. And instead of just talking about pollution, drug abuse and the government, I've arranged meetings at the Oval office. I once threaten the president into doing more.
(looks to Prosecutor)
And I've kept it out of the news!
PROSECUTOR
(to Jury)
All lies to save his neck!
DEFENDER
(to Prosecutor)
No, you have records from our spy satellites. You’ve been withholding evidence!
TROY
(to Prosecutor)
You’re the one who’s lying!...You coulda zapped out my aggression. But you didn't, because you’ve always been watching me. You like me. You really, really like me!
(pause)
No, no, no, I think you love me. Say it, tell me you love me!
(makes a kissing sound)
The Prosecutor is enraged. He starts toward Troy when...
(***...the Jury sings full strength:
"For my darling, I love you, and I
always will.")
Prosecutor blows a fuse. Still holding the Bailiff’s spear he lunges at the Jury. All hell breaks lose with all the players involved. The Defender tries to hold back the Prosecutor from stabbing the Jury.
TROY
Hey...Elvis was a big fat pig! He couldn't sing, he's the one who invented lip synching!
If it is possible for the Prosecutor to be any madder, he now is. The Prosecutor storms at Troy. In a flash Troy takes the spear away from him. Troy holds the spear handle against Prosecutor's throat. The Bailiff pulls out his machete and makes a step for Troy, but Bricker (remembering his military training) steps in and disarms the Bailiff. Bricker puts him into an arm lock that brings him to his knees.
(***The Jury loves this. Right after
"lip synching," they start chanting
the fight theme from "Star Trek.")
During the scuffle, Veronica and Fishbird are holding each other for emotional support, they begin to look like an item. Wendy stays close to Bricker.
DEFENDER
(to audience)
I'm really trying to be impartial here.
BRICKER
Man, look at this scrappy bunch of weaklings! Let's beat the bejesus out of these buttheaded mutants!
TROY
I want some answers! What is going to happen to us?!
The Prosecutor squirms, he manages to reach for his air supply under his coat. He takes a whiff then forces the mask against Troy's mouth. Troy becomes limp and falls over coughing.
With the distraction, the Bailiff pulls the hose off his air tank and blasts Bricker in the face. Bricker too is gassed, but much harder, he keels over and lays there for several moments.
The Bailiff reaches into his suit and pulls out a thick elastic strap and binds Troy's hands behind him. Still coughing and too weak to fight, he is placed with his head hanging over a small stool, like he is ready to be beheaded. The Bailiff holds the machete and puts one foot on Troy's back, he is waiting for the command to swing.
TROY
These people breath car exhaust!
FISHBIRD
Why didn't you tell us you live on gas fumes?!
Fishbird examines the defender's sludge class, as does Veronica.
VERONICA
This water you were drinking, it's filled with oil, traces of carbons! Your planet down there, it's polluted! Polluted to no end, isn't it!
The Bailiff snarls while fixing his air tank hose.
DEFENDER
Our industrial revolution was a million years ago. Long before we had space travel.
PROSECUTOR
(to Defender)
Shut up.
FISHBIRD
(to Defender)
How bad is it?
DEFENDER
(sighs)
Every square inch. Every last bit of soil, air and water. No where on Airnotopia is there over crowding, but every continent is fully populated. We don’t have large oceans like your Earth did.
VERONICA
But how could you let total contamination happen?
DEFENDER
Our planet has never had poverty, no developing countries, no recessions. No wars, no crime. Only milleniums of prosperity. This means jobs, factories everywhere working night and day. Our forefather’s never developed air filters, smog pumps or an EPA. We can't help…
The Bailiff and the Prosecutor snarl.
(***The Jury goes "ah, ha!"
Revelation theme.)
While the Bailiff still has the machete near Troy's head. The Defender keeps the Prosecutor away from Fishbird, now that the secret is out. Fishbird paces about and grandstands, sounding like an attorney.
FISHBIRD
I see, you used to be like us. Then over generations your biochemical code mutated, your lungs slowly began to adapt to hazardous waste. Fascinating, but actually quite pathetic.
(**Jury sings quick theme song,
doomsday version.)
Wendy has been kneeling near Bricker, he sits up for a moment.
BRICKER
(raspy voice)
I told you they were nothing but mutants!
Bricker lays back down. The Bailiff forces Fishbird out of the way.
TROY
(also raspy voice)
And that's the trouble with Airnotopians!
PROSECUTOR
You have been found GUILTY!
You're spoiled. Your blood would taint any hope of a new generation of humans. Let's spill it!
(***The Jury is mixed. Some of
them say, "kill him." Others say
"spare him." They break into
"Swing low, sweet chariot."
Full strength, just that verse.
Then keep singing the song as very soft, gentle back ground music.)
DEFENDER
(after first verse)
No, we haven't all voted!
FISHBIRD
We can all change! Rather than death, why don't you simply beat the living snot out of him?
TROY
Thanks.
DEFENDER
He's a genetic marvel. No family history of disease. They need him.
PROSECUTOR
Oh, I'll let the Professor live. But him and the hippie have got to go!
VERONICA
(holding Fishbird)
I'm not sharing my man with anybody!
WENDY
Me neither. I finally meet a guy I could really like and you're going to chop off his head!
DEFENDER
I can tell the audience really wants in on this. They're raising their hands.
The Defender goes up into the audience. Real reactions would probably be a lot more fun then planted ones. But there is room for both and it would be different every night.
DEFENDER
(waving microphone)
What do we do with him? What does this tell us about the long term effects of capitol punishment?
AUDIENCE (examples)
He's a chauvinist, off with his head.
AUDIENCE
Let him do community service instead.
DEFENDER
Should we give athletes a free ride? I don't know.
(***The Jury keeps singing, ever so softly.)
The humans begin to chant, "spare him, spare him." Then some of the Jury joins in. The Defender (hopefully) gets the audience to chant and stomp their feet. "spare him." (Remember we will all have friends in the audience.) The Prosecutor and Bailiff begin to concede.
(***JURY MEMBER
Spare him! I like him...
(adlibs)
Hold up sign that says "spare him!")
After and only after almost everyone is yelling "spare him." The Defender runs back down and does an umpire signal.
DEFENDER
Heeees saaafffe!
The Bailiff unbinds Troy. Bricker has gotten back on his feet, Wendy hugs him.
DEFENDER
(to the audience)
Are we going to let all the humanoid refugees live?
(nodding her head)
(***Everyone on the Jury votes thumbs up.
And claps, yelling "yes!")
Prosecutor reluctantly agrees and throws down the spear. The Bailiff puts away his machete.
PROSECUTOR
Ah, we never get to kill anybody anymore!...I'm sorry, but I was simply trying to make a point. It was for your own good.
WENDY
(to Prosecutor)
Shame on you!
TROY
(rubbing neck)
Jeez. I didn't mean what I said about Elvis.
BRICKER
Yeah, well I did.
(Prosecutor sneers at Bricker)
VERONICA
Help me out here. The water you gave us was crystal clear and the atmosphere on this moon is clean and pure.
FISHBIRD
Why do you still live down there?
PROSECUTOR
We can't survive anywhere else. It's not such a bad place.
FISHBIRD
You've got unlimited technology. Unpolluted moons, correct?
DEFENDER
Yes, but Airnotopia is the only planet in our solar system polluted enough to sustain us.
PROSECUTOR
We need to breath toxic fumes, drink contaminated sludge, eat fruit laced with pesticides. Too much pure water and air... and our lungs would explode.
BRICKER
I still say we beat the bejesus out of 'em.
(Bailiff snarls.)
BRICKER
Ah, here have a seat, you deserve a break.
To show there's no hard feelings Bricker offers him his seat. The Bailiff does a friendly snarl, sits down and stretches out.
WENDY
I'm no expert, but if you could scramble our molecules and fax us a thousand light years, why can't you clean yourselves up?
PROSECUTOR
Our molecular structure is too toxic, too diverse. We can't even teleport ourselves. Oh, we can up load and zap around other life forms. But with our cells in it, well, you push enter and the equipment explodes.
FISHBIRD
Have you no medical research?
DEFENDER
Not to speak of anymore. Actually we are as healthy as can be. Since we're all poison we've built up resistance to every illness.
PROSECUTOR
In the old days there were efforts. But our doctors got too greedy. Heath care costs got out of hand. Then came our version of HMOs. All the paper work was a nightmare, so we executed all the doctors.
TROY
(laughs)
And you let the lawyers live?
DEFENDER
Come now. Our life is not so bad. We’re in a position to help developing life forms.
FISHBIRD
Are you going to help us? Give us a new planet?
PROSECUTOR
(in his face)
No. We zapped you from the clutches of death, corrected your vision and reversed your vasectomy so we could grind you into hamburger and eat you for lunch!
(***A Jury member calls out:
Loud "we want to serve man!"
They lightly sing: "you deserve a break today, so get up and get away..." Let Defender cut you off.)
DEFENDER
Enough. Now, listen folks. We'll be shipping you out soon. Oh, it's a lovely moon we've chosen for you. Decorated with Earth like vegetation.
FISHBIRD
(has his arm around Veronica)
Thanks, but are you going to leave us alone?
PROSECUTOR
(sighs)
Interplanetary law forbids us to interfere for the first couple hundred years. Were not even allowed to spy on you.
FISHBIRD
You saved us. Can't we in some way, help you?
DEFENDER
(taking a hit of gas)
Maybe someday.
PROSECUTOR
(packing his file)
Well, down the hall my next clients are a jar full of microscopic aliens, they want political asylum.
TROY
(offering his hand)
If you took one bite out us, your stomach would explode, huh?
PROSECUTOR
(shaking his hand)
I'm going to miss you little- nosed monkeys. But I've got tapes and an extensive CD collection.
TROY
So long, butthead.
PROSECUTOR
(looking at pocket watch)
Oh, Lashy, I'll be taking the aplax shuttle back. Are you going to pick up little Remny from his guitar lesson?
DEFENDER
Yes, but I should still be home before you. Bye.
FISHBIRD
You and him...ah?
DEFENDER
Of course, away from the office he's wonderful. We've been married for 85 years.
Fishbird and Veronica gaze into each other's eyes. So do Wendy and Bricker.
FISHBIRD
Maybe I should try it.
The Bailiff puts his arms around Fishbird and Veronica. He is happy for them.
BRICKER
Yeah.
WENDY
(defender)
Can you perform the ceremony.
DEFENDER
(nods, smiles)
Sure, right now.
(***The Jury sings full strength
"ah, ah, ah-ah close to you.
ah, ah, ah-ah close to-
(let Bricker stop you.)
BRICKER
(waves to Jury only
after first verse)
Hey, hey, hey...
(puts hands on Troy's shoulder)
Like, it seems to me something's a foul here. How can we all be equal if our numbers are odd?
TROY
Hey...I'll help build us houses, and work the land. But the bejesus if I'll do it without a wife!
DEFENDER
Oh, my. We forgot something has to be done about you.
PROSECUTOR
(almost out the door)
Heck, the members of the darn audience look human enough, see if they can interbreed. They should be honored to be a part of this.
The Prosecutor exits. The Defender searches through the audience.
DEFENDER
Any volunteers? Let's have a show of hands. Come now, who wants to be a frontier wife? Be the start of a brave new world.
(rambling while looking
for raised hands)
To dream, to build. Wasn't that what the United States of America was all about. Freedom to choose...I choose you.
(points to someone unsuspecting)
(***The Jury sings as Defender goes through the audience. "All he is saying, is give him a chance.")
TROY
Oh, here’s one!
[For the first two productions the actor playing Troy went out in the audience and picked a different woman every night who was always a sport. This bit worked quite well as he brought her down for the ending singing and bows.]
Everybody on stage holds hands, the Jury mingles, hugging, shaking hands and singing. The song takes on a gospel tone. As if everybody is saying "bon voyage." The Prosecutor comes back with the next case in a jar.
DEFENDER
Come on everybody sing along. All we are saying, is give us a chance. Good bye see you next week!
Soon the audience and the players mix, lots of handshaking. Everybody is singing and clapping. "All we are saying is give us a chance."
THE END